The Dowell Family photo, with Rob on the laptop via Skype from Iraq.
Bettina Dowell is a Navy wife and a regular columnist on FaithDeployed.com. I always appreciate the insights she shares with us through her writing, and hope you’ll enjoy getting to know her through this interview as much as I have.
So many times a military wife’s identity can be eclipsed by what her husband does. What do you share with women to remind them of who they really are in Christ?
John 1:12 tells us that those who receive Christ become children of God. God is king and the daughters of any king are called princesses. When we know and understand that we are princesses, not privileged and pampered, but honored to serve and represent our Father’s goodness to others, we gain a new identity in life. What does it matter what titles we or our husbands hold or don’t hold? Our job remains to represent our Father well in our daily lives, whatever path that may take us down each day.
I know you have a heart for moms of young children. What encouragement would you like to offer women who are struggling to be “both parents” during a deployment to little kids?
I firmly believe that the preschool years are some of the most challenging years of parenting. Because the demands of those years are so very physical, removing a player from the team hits really hard. My Navy friends would call it, “The Land of 5:00 Never Comes.” As other women receive their spouses home each night to give them a break, these brave ladies just soldier on alone. Wherever and whenever possible, enlist help!! Trade childcare with other moms, visit relatives, pay babysitters, do what you can to ease the strain. Please give yourself a break about the house and other things that you can let go of during deployment.
What are your top recommendations for how military wives should be taking care of themselves, both during and between deployments?
Even if it means locking yourself in the bathroom (sometimes while the children pound on the door!), you have to have time alone with the Lord. He is your refresher, He is your sustainer and only He can be there through every lonely day and night. He already knows how much you are struggling (or not) on any given day or night, so go on and be honest with Him and yourself. His word is a love letter to you. Find verses that encourage you and then put them around your house, in your car or do whatever is necessary to bury those truths deep into your heart. Also, especially during deployment, give yourself the grace you would give a girlfriend. Sometimes we expect things from ourselves that we would never ask from others. Remember, on an airplane they will always tell you to put on your oxygen mask first and only then to assist your children. Your family needs you in the best condition possible physically, emotionally and spiritually. A healthy, happy wife can benefit your military man like no other gift you can give him.
What are the biggest challenges you face running a household when your husband is gone?
The single parenting piece can be a challenge. Rob is very involved in the lives of our children, so when he is gone, it leaves a big hole for them emotionally. Not having him around to bounce off discipline decisions, drive carpools, chaperone parties, etc. is hard. With that said, just plain “missing my husband” is my biggest challenge. When we met thirty years ago, we dated long distance and did not live in the same city until we were married. So it seems like I have been saying goodbye to him for a very long time. And I am not great with goodbyes.
How do you handle those challenges? What works for you?
Rob stays in touch with our children through email and Facebook. I can alert him when one of them is struggling and they can address things privately in their relationship, without my interference. My youngest is 16, so this looks different for me than for a mom of preschoolers. I also share with him on Skype when I am facing parenting challenges. Being male and having a completely different personality from me, his advice is so important in our attempt to address our children with some balance. Missing him – probably the most helpful thing for me has been to admit that I do. It sounds simplistic, but I have found great comfort in just admitting to myself, God and a few trusted girlfriends, that this is hard for me. Very hard.
How does your faith help you during a deployment?
Without my faith, deployments would just not be doable for me. My faith is rooted in what God tells me in the Bible. A verse like Isaiah 54:5 which says “your maker is your husband,” trains me to depend on God, lessening the pressure on myself and my husband.
What specific things do you do during a deployment to help you get through it?
This deployment, my 16 year old daughter and I planned a schedule for each week that would work for us. We are both schedule girls, so having a routine in place worked for us. We included one night per week that we would have people over for dinner, to help focus on serving others, rather than developing a “Woe is us, we are alone” type mindset. That being said, we have had several unexpected deployment bumps that have necessitated throwing our schedule in the trash from time to time. So for us, a schedule/routine that was flexible enough to be dropped when needed has been really beneficial. One deployment, my most helpful tool was eating takeout food – a lot. I would not advocate this lifestyle for anyone, but it did get our family through a challenging time while still holding onto each other and some degree of sanity. It is so important that each family finds what works best for them and each specific deployment.
Can you share some examples of how being plugged into a church has helped?
My sisters in Christ have been rocks for me during this deployment. From listening to me, to bringing me meals when I was sick, to picking up my son at the airport and on and on, they have supported me with love in action. I came into relationship with the majority of these women through my local church. Our church also placed a photo of Rob and Libby on a special bulletin board for remembering those deployed and their families in prayer. My church does not have an organized ministry specifically for military wives, but does honor military families each spring with a special dinner.
If you have learned from making some mistakes in military wife life, can you share any of these lessons learned with us?
Just in the most recent season of our lives (if we covered all of my mistakes, no one would read to the end of this article!), God has been teaching me how often my unhappiness is nothing more that plain discontent. I have struggled with being resentful of the fact that God has chosen to put us in the deployment season once again. I do not believe that war was ever part of God’s plan for His creation, but we live in a fallen world. When I wrap my brain around the fact that this is God’s plan for us in this time, in His sovereign kingdom calendar, I can begin to experience more peace and contentment. This does not mean I am not sad; it just gives me a purpose for this pain. Purpose grants me peace in the midst of still missing my sweetheart.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow, great article. I too have been negotiating this military spouses role for a long time and our children are now teenagers (the days are much different now and I think of it at the days that 11pm never comes LOL). Thanks for sharing your insights and encouragement
Thank you so much for your input! I am not “plugged into” the military community yet, but I am getting acquainted with military wives, especially Christian ones, as my husband pursues an Army chaplaincy. I am very excited, and I want to be the greatest helpmeet to him as his Army wife!