My Military Wife Life: Tonya Nash

Tonya Nash has been an Air Force wife for seven years. She and her husband have a three-year-old son. I’ve been following her blog, Reflections of a Christian Mommy Writer, for about a year now, and she never fails to bring thoughtful words into the blogosphere. Here, she shares more specifically about her own military wife life.

What have you learned about deployments that you didn’t expect?

I learned that I have to TOTALLY rely on God.  I never realized it, but I had been relying on my husband’s relationship with God to help me through certain things.  Whenever I was down or had problems, I would automatically go to him and talk about it, looking to him for the answers and to help me feel better.  When he deployed, I realized that I have to go to God for myself to get my own breakthrough.  There is no dollar amount in this world that could equal the true value of a personal relationship with Christ.   It is priceless. Once I redefined my personal relationship with Christ, I was able to pick back up and start running again. 

I also discovered that with Christ, I can do things and handle situations that I thought I would never be able to do. The scripture, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13), is so true!

What have been the most challenging adjustments to make after deployment, when your husband has returned home?

By the time my husband returned home, I was used to doing everything by myself: paying the bills, raising our son, cooking, cleaning, etc.  My husband wanted to jump back in the saddle right away and pick up where he left off, but I had worked out a new personal system of how I wanted things to be done while he was gone.  I had to realize that I didn’t have to do everything and that I could back off and let him do the things that he wanted to take part in.  Besides, I need to enjoy the season of rest before he deploys again! J

What are your best tips for handling deployment stress? 

Prayer is very important.  I made sure that I prayed for my husband every day: for his safety, for wisdom on how to do his job, and for him to be a light to those around him.  I also prayed that God would give me strength to make it through the deployment and discernment on the right choices to make for our household in my husband’s absence. I prayed for our safety and that our home would be protected. Lastly, I prayed that our son would adjust to his dad’s deployment and that there would be no adverse effects with him because of it.

Build a strong support network.  I wouldn’t have made it if I didn’t have the support network that I have here.  When we first arrived, my husband made friends at work and introduced me to their wives. Luckily, we all clicked and became good friends. We also made friends at church. When my husband deployed, my friends, military and nonmilitary, rallied around me and volunteered to watch my son so I could have some mental health time.  They helped with outdoor chores and invited me out to dinner.  Isolation is not a good thing and whenever I felt lonely, I knew I could call them.

Try something new. Pick up a hobby or take a few classes.  I took a few writing classes and worked on my hobbies while my husband was deployed.  That helped me to focus on things other than the deployment.  Just make sure that you don’t take on too much.  I didn’t take into account all of the extra things I would have to do when I was estimating my time.  I ended up having to let go of some things.

One of the first pieces of advice most wives get is to stay busy while hubby is gone. Where is the line between staying busy in a healthy way, and packing one’s schedule too full? In other words, how do we know if we are overdoing the “staying busy”?

I ran into this issue when my husband was deployed.  I had a lot of goals that I set for myself.  I didn’t take into account that there would be a lot of unexpected things that would come up that I would have to handle by myself. I also didn’t take into account how much time the extra duties around the house would take that my husband normally did.  I found myself getting stressed out, with duties from the previous day running into the next.  I was exhausted and found myself to be more irritable.  I had to reduce some of my commitments in areas so that I could function better.   If you find yourself always rushed and stressed, going from one task to the next with seemingly no end in sight, you probably have taken on too much.  Don’t be afraid to let go of some commitments.  You can always pick them back up later when you have more time.

Is there anything you wish you knew about military wife life before you entered it? 

No one really talked to me much about military wife life before I got married. But even if someone did, I still wouldn’t be able to comprehend the full complexities of it all.  I see it kinda like having children…people tell you what it’s like, but you never know fully what you are getting into until you have your own child.

With that being said, I must admit that I was unprepared for all of the unknowns, such as not knowing if my husband will be around for birthdays, holidays, births, etc.  That is one issue that I still have problems adjusting to, but I find comfort in knowing that God is in control and that He will take care of us.

What have been the greatest joys about being a military wife for you? 

The wonderful people I have met through our travels have made military life totally worth it.  The diversity of friends that I have gained and the places we have lived has changed some of my worldviews and made me a more well-rounded person.

What role does your faith play in your life? 

My faith plays a big role in my day-to-day living.  I try my best to live a life that makes God smile.  I want Him to be pleased with me and able to trust me to do His will. Nothing happens that catches God by surprise and I believe that my husband’s military career is God’s way of shaping and molding us into the people He wants us to be.

What are your top recommendations for how military wives should be taking care of themselves, both during and between deployments? 

It is very important for military wives to have their spiritual life in tact.  Life as a military spouse is so unpredictable, with ups and downs and if you don’t have the right perspective on things, it can cause problems. 

Another thing I think wives should do is get educated about the military and resources available to them. For example, the Airman and Family Readiness Center (Air Force) has many programs available for families, such as financial planning classes, career assistance for spouses, and support groups.  They also have a program called HeartLink, which teaches new military spouses about military life and basewide resources.  

The last thing I would recommend is to have something just for you, outside of your husband’s military career and your children.  That may be a career, a hobby, volunteering, or any other thing that brings you joy.  It is very easy to lose yourself when you become a military wife because of all the transition and unpredictability that takes place on a very regular basis.  Having something just for you can help you maintain your identity.

I see that you have a number of blog posts about couponing. When and why did you decide to get into this? What difference has it made in your life?

I transitioned from being a career mommy to a stay-at-home mommy almost two years ago after moving to our current base.  Our income declined due to me staying at home and we didn’t have as much breathing room as we were once used to.  I decided to attend a Mom’s group at our church to avoid social isolation for my son and me.  Two of the ladies that attend the group shared about how they save hundreds of dollars by using coupons.  At first, I was skeptical, but I decided to put some of their tips to action and saw wonderful results!

Couponing has made a HUGE difference in our life.  It has helped us to save more money on groceries and other items.  We also have been able to stock up on things that we use on a regular basis at very low prices, which is something we never did when I was working.

If you have learned from making some mistakes in military wife life, can you share any of these lessons learned with us?

One thing that I’ve learned as a military spouse is that it is important to know and understand your husband’s career.  My mistake was comparing the military to my experiences in the civilian world. When my husband would come home and tell me about his day, I wouldn’t understand half of what he was talking about.  It seemed like a foreign language. He spent a lot of time trying to explain the basics and why things were the way that they were in the military. 

When it was time for us to PCS, I was blessed to get a job on the base.  It was then that I understood the complexities of my husband’s job and all of the red tape and bureaucracy that goes along with it. I understood why my husband had no control over his TDYs, deployments, or why he was always working late with no comp time or overtime pay.  I realized that things could change on a dime and even if my husband commits to picking up our son from daycare, the Commander may need him to do something of importance that may keep him from being able to follow through with his promise to me.  There is a stark contrast between the military and civilian world. Once I discovered this for myself, I was able to understand my husband better and our marriage flowed a lot more smoothly.

Tagged as: Chrisitan military wife, Christian Mommy Writer, military wife life, Tonya Nash