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Keeping the Spice in Your Marriage During a Deployment

by Jocelyn on August 3, 2010

by Tonya Nash

If you haven’t already read it, get to know Tonya by reading the recent interview we posted with this “Christian Mommy Writer.” We are so blessed that Tonya has agreed to be a monthly columnist for, so you’ll be hearing more from her on a regular basis! Now let’s see what she has to share with us this month:

The marriage union is a beautiful covenant between man, woman, and God.  It’s a promise to wholeheartedly commit to your spouse for the rest of your life. 

Being married to someone in the military can sometimes put an interesting spin on things.  There are often times of involuntary separation due to TDYs, deployments, war, and other military obligations.

Even the Bible has a Scripture on marriage and war:

Deuteronomy 24:5 NIV

If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.

In a perfect world, the military would abide by this rule and we wouldn’t have newlyweds spending their first year apart.  But sadly, we don’t live in a perfect world.

Whether you are newlyweds or a seasoned married couple, it’s important to stay connected with your husband during a deployment.  Staying connected doesn’t just mean keeping your husband updated about the bills.  It goes further than that.  Staying connected also means keeping the fire burning! 

Here are a few ways that you can keep the spice in your marriage while your husband is deployed. 

  1. Send love letters.  I know that in our digital age, everyone uses email, chat services, Twitter, and Facebook.  But there is nothing like having a handwritten letter from the one you love.  When your husband is deployed, getting mail makes their day.  Try writing a series of letters, such as “My Top Ten Favorite Moments with You” or “Ten Reasons Why I Love You” and send the letters one at a time.  Sending the letters in order doesn’t mean that your husband will receive them in order.  Be sure to number the letters on the back of the envelope.   
  2. Celebrate special occasions. My husband was deployed 8000 miles away on his birthday, but that didn’t stop me!  With Skype, he was only a computer screen away.  I decorated the area behind my computer with streamers, a happy birthday sign, and balloons.  My son and I had party hats and blowers to complete the party look.  My husband was so surprised and happy when he signed on and realized that he was having a virtual birthday party. 
  3. Look Your Best.  When you get the opportunity to Skype with your husband, be sure that you look good.  Don’t come to the computer with rollers in your hair or the same sweats you had on during the last conversation.  Do your hair, put on something nice, and give them some eye candy.  I understand that sometimes it’s not possible, especially when you have kids running around, but at least put up the effort most of the time.  Your husband will appreciate it!  Trust me on this one. 
  4. Send surprise care packages.  Buy him something he’s been wanting but never officially requested.  It’s okay to include art projects that the kids made, but make sure you include a personal gift.  Take a current picture of yourself and include it with a nice romantic card. 
  5. Stroke your husband’s ego. Assure them that they are still needed and desired. For example, “Honey I sure miss how you (fill-in the blank)” or “Remember when we (insert fond memory here).”   Do this on a regular basis. 
  6. Make plans for the future.  This creates great anticipation and happiness.  Plan a getaway trip just for the two of you after your husband returns, even if it’s just for one night.   Besides, it will be long overdue. 

Military marriages certainly have their share of absences, but keeping the fire burning during a deployment can certainly make the heart grow fonder!

About the author:
Tonya Nash has been a military wife for seven years and is preparing for her husband’s third deployment.  Visit her blog at for inspirational posts about faith, military life, and mommyhood.


{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Jennifer August 3, 2010 at 10:32 am

I love this article! I can’t wait wait to start sending my hubby love letters and I thought your idea of having a theme that includes several letters is absolutely fantastic!

Thank you,



South Loop Social Light August 3, 2010 at 10:47 am

My husband and I are newlyweds and going through our first deployment. I’ve found that our daily naps on skype help keep some normalcy in our relationship… as well as keeping things playful, not being afraid to flirt or give a little strip tease. The best thing I’ve sent him so far has been lingerie scented with his favorite perfume of mine along with a sleep mask with my scent on it. Every night he goes to sleep smelling me and says that in the morning my scent lingers as he walks to the bathroom.

Deployments are definitely a challenge to experience regardless of the position you’re in with your relationship, but we’ve found that being newlyweds it has challenged us even more to rise to the occasion. You don’t have the luxury to carry on fights or arguments, we never go to bed upset and we communicate about everything. This deployment is definitely prepping us for a lifetime together.


Danielle Baldwin August 3, 2010 at 11:24 am

OMG…..I love this article. It was really what I needed due to the fact that my husband will be deploying next week and I just gave birth to our daughter. I will definitely be sending him letters and care packages; and hopefully whereever he goes he’ll have internet connection so we can skype!

Thank you


Jennifer Paris August 3, 2010 at 12:41 pm

My husband and I are not newly weds, but love letters are wonderful. We are thankful for the webcam, but there is always something special about sending love letters. My husband usually sends letters monthly – one for me and one for each of our three kids :) The kids love it because it is something they can touch. They keep his letter under their pillow and anytime they feel sad about Daddy not being with them, they can go and read the letter over and over.

The kids and I sent him a monthly theme-package. January is New Years; Feb is Valentine and so forth. The kids enjoy decorating the package and creating cards for Daddy.

Thank you for a wonderful article – God Bless!


Dee Morris August 3, 2010 at 1:32 pm

We started the deployment with the Deployment Dare, then we also had a daily devotion time and prayer. When we could Skype we did if we couldn’t we would e-mail and sent letters about the devotions. We both wrote love letters to each other and planned a special trip when he came home for R&R then when he redeployed (came home). Some other devotions we did on date night (on phone or on-line) Love & Respect, 5 Love Languages, Love Talk for Couples and Two Hearts praying as one. I encourage everyone to attend a Weekend To Remember Marriage Getaway.


Rebecca August 3, 2010 at 1:53 pm

What a great article! My hubby is recently returned from deployment but I can’t help thinking of when the honeymoon of our dwell time will end. I tried to keep up with holiday themed care packages, although my (and his!) favorite was the one I managed to get over to him before his birthday. Ladies – You CAN send him a birthday cake if you think a little outside the box and think Rice Krispy Cake!!! I found the one I sent at Kilwins, an icecream/fudge shop, but it could easily be done at home if you have the tools to vacuum seal it! It was decorated with hard chocolate writing and balloons and since Rice Krispy treats will be fresh even after the end of the world… I had no worry of it spoiling in transit. Sent with candles and wrapped gifts, he was able to involve his team in his birthday that night at the chow hall. Just wanted to share this idea incase anyone is looking for birthday ideas.


SpitFire August 3, 2010 at 3:28 pm

This was an awesome article!!! :) We got married June of last year, pregnant in July and he left for a one-year tour in October. His mid-tour was just in time to see Bunny be born, and he left 8 days later. He missed our 1st anniversary, and when he gets back Bunny will be almost 6 months. But we Skype A LOT, so he gets to see her get bigger, and we make plans all the time. Things as simple as where we’d like to go to for future bases, college courses we’d like to take, travel plans..his first meal back..everything!


Jerrie Williams August 5, 2010 at 9:19 pm

God Bless you! What a wonder ideal. Wish you had been around 30 years ago. I am sure these young wives will profit from your web site. These young women and geltlemen left behind need all the support they can get. Military familes are true heros also.


beth August 26, 2012 at 7:50 pm

love your ideas i have one to add though. my husband and i have picked a book out to read together during deployments and we discuss via email mostly because he isn’t in an area where he can skype we have read several marriage books and it has helped us to grow closer even though we are so far apart. we are working towards a goal and have something to communicate about other than the kids, and since he can’t talk about what he is doing he still has something to talk about and i don’t feel sad because he didn’t have anything to say. just thought i would add that.


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