Striving for Perfection in Marriage (Part Two)

by April L. Cao

Marriage day arrived. White dress, white gloves, white chapel. Vows, not-so-first kiss, bubbles (rice was no longer fashionable or safe for bird consumption) cake, friends and family. Back to work on Monday for new, darling husband. Reality hit on Tuesday.

Forever.

And ever. Oh no.

I had no idea how to be a wife. I was an amazing girlfriend-rocked the casbah in that department. Loved his friends, loved his job, loved his mess. Our long-distance, weekend relationship had been effortless and our four month engagement even better. Now there were *gasp* expectations on both sides and not a single one spoken out loud. Just. Expected. Quietly, painfully, brewing beneath the surface expectations.

My husband had been an amazing boyfriend as well. Thoughtful, generous, PATIENT. Wow did that patience win me over. He thought of me as quirky but loved the role of “I know better than you, but aren’t you adorable.” I can’t blame him—I put him there. I loved how tough and stormy he could be because it made me feel safe. He was, in some ways, an extension of my father. I made him my solid rock and expected him to never waiver.

I began to change my way of thinking shortly after the birth of our beautiful son. Our miracle. He was deployed and I delivered with the support of friends and family and there was no husband to welcome our son with a kiss and no looks of adoration for the bride who gave him his first child. It was extremely painful to have that experience without him and soon after constant, nagging thoughts whispered to me in those quiet moments alone with our new baby.

I did this all on my own.

I didn’t need you after all.

You left me and I was still fine.

I am a good mother even without you here.

My pride grew; filling every void that had been opened with loneliness and insecurity. That shining pedestal slowly made it’s way into the earth’s atmosphere and I established myself as martyr extraordinaire. I was blameless and faultless because I had been (in my mind) abandoned. Again and again and again. How could he compete with that?

It wasn’t until we had two and half years with no deployments and an abundance of time together that we realized the sad state of affairs. We really did not like each other. In the quiet times when the kids slept there was little to say and that became better than speaking with empty words. We still committed ourselves to our individual spiritual growth, Bible studies and church but somehow we had forgotten the priority of growing together in God.

It took constant prayer and amazing marriage mentors to open my eyes to the damage and dishonor I was doing to my husband, myself and most importantly to God. If memory serves me correctly I had been demanding, demeaning, self serving and selfish within the confines of my marriage. I have been angry, disgusted and antagonizing all towards the one person I promised to respect and cherish for the rest of my life. And I am a Christian woman.

My problem with perfection was not with my husband but with myself. Recognizing and accepting everything about him meant changing some things about me, especially those tiny expectations that kept bobbing about in my self-serving ocean. I had to stop blaming deployments and the military for my unhappiness and I had to take responsibility for my part in the chaos.

There is a stigma in Christian marriages that we should have it all together. For that reason alone I have highlighted our difficulties even when they have been long overshadowed with laughter and joy. Too often we hide the hurt and pain while God waits patiently to take our hand and show us the way.

Colossians 3:14 says: …and above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Love is perfect when God is in it. It is healing, it is renewing and it will take your breath away. Before I knew God’s truth but was living it conditionally. Now I see so clearly the gift that God gave me in my husband. I am humbled that He said you are my choice for him. He is my choice for you. Enjoy and let Me be in it. I am thankful that we did not give in, that we put God before ourselves and fought to make it better.

If I could do it again, if my vows were spoken today, I would say this to the man I married:

My love, when I was still a girl, it was the idea of you that captured my heart.
I dressed you up in shining gilded armor, perched you on top
of a magnificent white horse and said,
take me away to happily ever after.
What I know now is that you are more than perfect.
You are better than happily ever after.
You are real and you are mine.
You have carried my heart across oceans and desserts.
Faithfully tucked away where I am only yours.
Our love is deeper than time and wider than space.
You are my safe place to fall.
My forever friend.
Thank you for loving me.

To my husband, who has watched me grow from a young woman to a mother and wife and loved me each step of the way, I love you.

About the Author:
April Lakata Cao is a native of Northern Virginia and currently resides in Virginia Beach, Va., where she has just completed her eighth move in eleven years of marriage. April and her husband, a graduate of the United States Naval Academy, have two beautiful children ages four and seven. As a military spouse who has experienced five deployments and countless months of separation, April shares her personal challenges and life lessons as a freelance writer. She is a stay at home mom, a reading and writing enthusiast and for the past three years has published the blog, Amazing Grace (www.intoourheart.blogspot.com) to encourage, educate and inspire adoptive and prospective adoptive parents.  Not only does she have a heart for orphans, she is fiercely passionate about religious freedom and women’s rights across the globe.  But above all else teaching her children to love, trust and obey God is her most precious job.

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