Fake it Until You Make It

By Beverly Eagan

During our most recent deployment, a fellow spouse at chapel asked me how I was doing. I put on a false smile and said “just fine, thank you.” She leaned over to me and said, “Fake it until you make it.” These words got me thinking. My initial thought was, man she knows. She knows what it is like.  This was our third full-year deployment to Iraq in the last seven years and she knows that sometimes, a lot of times, as spouses, we fake it until we make it.

Throughout the entire deployment, I was large and in charge.  Nothing is wrong with Bev, she can raise her three children, volunteer at school, coach track, work and participate in PWOC. All the while, being a single parent on a military base overseas. FRG, no problem. New neighbor having twins, needs a birthing coach, I’m in. I will make this deployment go quickly with my busyness. Somehow, I believed if I made the appearance of not struggling, then in fact, I was not struggling.

Secretly though, I was indeed struggling. I was in pain both physical and emotional.

Somewhere down the line of “my” military career, I had lost the ability to sleep. I started taking medicine in the form of  prescription sleep aids. Before too long, I had to add over the counter sleeping pills to my prescription meds to fall asleep and stay asleep. Insomnia runs in my family so I never thought much about it. Fact was though, I had a problem, a major problem. Two months before my husband returned it hit me, I was taking 20 Tylenol pm pills daily AND my Ambien. When I realized what I was doing I stopped immediately and asked for help right? No. I continued doing what I was doing because I was in control. I was not going to admit any form of mental stress or emotional inability to handle the circumstances we all face. I was the one who took care of people. I was the one who people looked to for strength, Christian wisdom and help. This was my third deployment, I am an old hand at this I kept telling myself. I don’t ask for help, I give it.

My husband returned in July of this year. I started crying when he walked through the front door. Tears of joy. Tears, tears and more tears. The problem was, I couldn’t stop crying. I was bent in half in pain and crying horribly. My hands shook, I was cracking. This went on for almost two weeks before I took the time to examine my health. I had reached the point where I thought I might be dying. When I stepped back and examined my life I realized, I was taking enough over the counter pills to kill an elephant. I had done severe damage to my liver. Here I was, a teetolar, snobbishly proud that I did not drink. I didn’t do illegal drugs. I was better than that. No, turns out, pride does come before the fall.

I have cirrhosis of the liver now. Which is ironic since I am not a drinker. However, the excessive amounts of acetaminophen that I had taken were killing me. Do you know that the liver can repair itself from almost anything? Turns out, acetaminophen causes one of the few instances of PERMANENT liver damage.  My lesson was painful and permanent.

There is something that we fail to remember when things get rough. God is on OUR side. He wants us to succeed. He wants a fruitful and joyful life for us. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.’” 

I spent so much time as a military spouse just doing my duty and never considering that God has a plan for me. God has a joyful and wonderful plan for me. I don’t have to be perfect for God to work that plan in me. I just need to be humble. I need to be open to love, help, friendship and lessons, sometimes horribly hard lessons. I need to stop pretending to be large and in charge and instead, admit my weakness before the Father above. I need to embrace the lesson that God did not intend me to walk this road alone. That is why he provides such strong and resilient friendships in the military. That is why he sent his Son to die for us. Behind closed doors I no longer need to hide my secret shame. I am weak and wonderful and that is exactly how it should be.

Folks, I did not want to write this. I did not want to share my self perceived inadequacy. I did not want to become less in other’s eyes. I have prayed about this so much and come to know that my message needs to be shared. Don’t hide your pain behind a fake smile. Seek out a battle buddy and a healthy mentor. Go before the Father and ask for someone to come into your life to help you walk your long and hard road. You are not alone, you are never alone and God wants you to know his perfect, true and peaceful love.

About the Author:
Beverly Eagen is an Army wife and mother of three stationed in Mannheim, Germany. In her spare time she enjoys reading, cooking and knitting horrible-looking scarves.

Tagged as: Beverly Eagen, Deployment