by April Lakata Cao
Back then my box felt very small. I’d carried it with me everywhere. Every move, every triumph and every failure. Through all of life’s moments this box had been my constant companion, tucked away until I made time to bring it out, unpack it and then repack it into a size that suited me. On a bad day I could carry my box in the palm of my hand, easy to manage and perfect to manipulate. On a good day I unpack, handle the Content with care and then find the biggest box I can manage. On the best of days I recognized that by having a box at all l was short changing myself.
Eventually, however, life taught me that I could not contain a mighty God. He wasn’t to be handled or carted around for the sake of convenience and I couldn’t make Him into what I needed just for a moment. He wasn’t bound by my narrow rules and I only hurt myself by thinking that He belonged boxed away until I really needed Him.
When my husband and I began trying to start a family we assumed it would only be a matter of months before we were proudly announcing our joyous news. But, months turned into a year and then one turned into four and it seemed like the world around us was filled with happy couples and bouncing babies. I remember feeling this sense of failure that seeped into my relationship with the Lord. If I had failed it was because He allowed it. And if He allowed it that meant (to me) that I wasn’t a multitude of things including 1) ready to be a parent or 2) faithful enough to deserve this blessings. Instead of anticipating God’s grace, mercy and divine intervention, I gently placed Him in a box and closed the lid.
How often do we anticipate an outcome before giving God a chance to move on our behalf? For me it happens too often and I’m left wondering-after He has left me speechless with joy-why didn’t I just enjoy the ride? Why couldn’t I have just let God be God?! Instead I decided why, when or how life wasn’t going to work. I was convinced by my own human doubts, fears and insecurities that God was the author of my life except when it came to conceiving a child or getting orders to that duty station back home. Maybe I thought the disappointment would be easier if I expected less, but what I didn’t consider was God making it better than I could have imagined!
In our fifth year of marriage, after seeking medical intervention, we became pregnant with our beautiful little boy who is now eight years old. And I remember praying, just as Hannah prayed that if God blessed her with a son she would turn him right back over to God, that I would be satisfied with this child and this child alone. No more praying for another baby. No more crying over failed ovaries. I would be content, satisfying God with prayers of thanksgiving and humility. But friends, God could not be contained in His box any longer! He was not satisfied with our family of three and His plans for us were abundant! My sheepish attempts at anticipating God didn’t leave much room in my heart for what He did have in store for us. I wasn’t operating with a heart ready to receive more joy.
Four years later, we boarded a plane to Thailand to adopt our precious little girl, and as that plane began it’s three thousand mile journey to our daughter, I realized I had left my box behind. It was old and rumpled and I finally realized it could not contain the Father who loved me-no matter how hard I had tried. How sweet it is to live expecting the unexpected.
About the Author:
April Lakata Cao is a native of Northern Virginia and currently resides in Virginia Beach, Va., where she has just completed her eighth move in eleven years of marriage. April and her husband, a graduate of the United States Naval Academy, have two beautiful children ages four and seven. As a military spouse who has experienced five deployments and countless months of separation, April shares her personal challenges and life lessons as a freelance writer. She is a stay at home mom, a reading and writing enthusiast and for the past three years has published the blog, Amazing Grace (www.intoourheart.blogspot.com) to encourage, educate and inspire adoptive and prospective adoptive parents. Not only does she have a heart for orphans, she is fiercely passionate about religious freedom and women’s rights across the globe. But above all else teaching her children to love, trust and obey God is her most precious job.
