by Catherine Fitzgerald
Dear Civilian Friend,
The other day you said to me, “I always want to minister to you, but I don’t know how.” I know I haven’t made it easy on you to figure out the “how.” Blame it on Rosie the Riveter and her “I can do it all” attitude or perhaps Lifetime’s Army Wives and their ability to solve all the drama of military life in 60 minutes or less. Blame it on the pride that comes with this lifestyle, constantly whispering in my ear, asking for help is showing weakness. It’s not fair to you. Or me. Because you want to help and I need it. So here it is. Everything I wished you knew but I can’t seem to tell you.
First and foremost, I need your prayers. Pray for strength and endurance during yet another separation from the love of my life. Pray for my kids because they are struggling without daddy right now. No matter how old they are, no matter how many deployments they’ve been through, every separation is hard on them. And nothing hurts a momma more than to see her kiddos hurting and knowing there is nothing I can do. Pray for my husband. Pray for his safety. Pray for his mind to be able to process the ugliness of war. Pray for our marriage, that it can endure the trials and temptations that come with every departure. Pray for our country and the leaders in charge of putting our husband and father in harm’s way. Just above all else, pray for me, friend.
You should know that I probably won’t ask for much. In fact, you should probably just adopt a “don’t ask, just tell” policy with me. I am coming to watch your kids Monday night. I am coming to mow your lawn next Tuesday. This will be much more effective with me than a blanket “Let me know if you need anything.” Like I said, blame it on Rosie the Riveter or this stubborn pride of mine, but I probably won’t ask you for the help I so desperately need. And if I do, know that it took A LOT for me to get to that point so never make me feel bad about it because I may not ask again. I know the air filter was really dirty and should have been cleaned months ago, but I’m just doing the best that I can, a day at a time.
I need you to walk with me through this deployment. How this translates in real, practical terms is different for each one of us but try and figure it out. Many days I am treading water and can feel like I am about to go under. It may be a break from the kids. Sometimes a trip to the grocery store alone can feel like a day at the spa. Come give my kids a bath and help me get them to bed and I will feel like a new woman. Carry the baby asleep in the carseat to my car and the burden will literally feel lighter. Take my trash can to the curb every Wednesday night so I don’t awake in a panic at midnight and have to run outside to do it. Invite me for dinner so the nights don’t feel so lonely. Ask me to spend the holidays with you because I am so far from my family. Drop off dinner so I don’t have to cook one night. Help fix that leaky faucet so I don’t have to figure out which plumber won’t rip me off in this town I am new in. Come clean my bathrooms because I can never get to them. Mow my yard without even asking. Change the oil in my car, something my husband usually does, so that I don’t have to lug the babies to Jiffy Lube. Watch my kids while I go to the doctor so I don’t have to pay for another babysitter. Offer to come stay the night so I can sleep soundly and not jump at every creak I hear. Just come over and chat, I missing having someone to talk to. Listen to me and you will probably figure out quickly some ways you can show me you care.
Keep encouraging me. Bear with me through this whole deployment. It is like a death. At the beginning, the offers of help and words of encouragement are plentiful, but as I near the end, weary and tired, when I need it the most, they trail off. Remind me of God’s word and His promises. I can become consumed in missing my man and I need to constantly be told that God has a purpose and plan for me in this life just as much as he has one for my husband. Help me find it because sometimes my vision gets so clouded with tears.
I know you don’t every understand everything about my life. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. It’s taken years for me to learn this many acronyms. I want you to understand more and I don’t mind explaining. You don’t have to pity me, but I want your empathy. If you see me huddling with my fellow military wives, don’t think I don’t want to let you in. It’s just that we speak the same language and we have seen each other at the lowest points so we are bonded in an incredible way. That doesn’t mean I don’t desire to have a close bond with you too. But, they are just my default. You can offer me a perspective outside of this life. I need that.
Please know I am grateful for all your help. Though I may not write you a thank you card for each and every act, know I so appreciate it. I know I can get wrapped up in my own hardships and sometimes I forget to ask how I can pray for you. I am sorry. I know God’s comfort so I should be comforting you in your difficulties with the same comfort I have received. I need to work on that. And I need to help you with your needs as well and use the gifts and talents He has given me in ministering to you. Just because my husband is gone, doesn’t mean I can’t serve you. I know it is better to give than to receive.
We are not that different. My husband just took a job where the uncertainty of life is simply in our faces all the time. You sometimes can pretend you are in control of your life. I know I am not. God can use that as a launching pad for an incredible faith and trust in Him. Or Satan can use that to send me into a whirlwind of fear. Help me out of the spiral of anxiety if you see me spinning in it.
I’m glad I was able to tell you all the things I never did before. I hope this helps you figure out how to minister to me. I should have told you sooner, but I just didn’t know how. I need you more than ever these days as the deployments keep coming and the challenges get harder and harder with each moment. Our family can’t do this calling without you so thank you for noticing us and caring enough to show us we aren’t alone in this.
Thank you, friend.
Love,
A Military Wife
About Catherine:
Catherine Fitzgerald is the proud wife a U.S. Marine. She was a contributor to Faith Deployed…Again and wrote the group study guides for Faith Deployed and Faith Deployed…Again. She currently lives just outside of Wilmington, North Carolina. Her husband is a CH-53 Helicopter pilot and together they have two children, Grace and Asher. She currently leads a ministry called Operation: Hope Front that ministers to the needs of fellow military families in her area through her local church. Her family also serves in the college ministry, where she has found an endless supply of babysitters and lawn mowers for every deployment.
When she’s not changing diapers, chasing her first born, or doing ministry, she loves to cook, party plan, shop, and write. Her greatest joy in military life is seeing the gospel transform the lives of her military sisters through the application of scripture to their daily walk.
{ 69 comments… read them below or add one }
Very true! Good article.
Wonderfully written. I admit I am not a spouse of a military man but I do have a son that serves and we each have our unique needs as our family serves wherever they are sent. I also don’t believe I live in an area where there are that many military families (deployed). With that said how do those that live far away from military personnel help you cope day to day? God Bless you and all those spouses out there that need to know we care in a tangible way.
Sylvia,
Thanks for caring for military families, even those who may not be in your area. There are still TONS of way you can help military families cope, even when you are not close. PRAY for them first of all! But, in terms of practical help, find a local cleaning service in their area and arrange for a free house cleaning. Order pizza from the local pizza joint so mom doesn’t have to cook one night. Send a gift card to a restaurant so the whole family can get out of the house. Arrange a spa day for mom. Send a pick me up flower arrangement. Write a note of encouragement, letting the wife know you have been praying for her. Just get creative. It doesn’t have to be anything big or extravagent, just a note saying you are being prayed for can change your day as a military wife!
Sylvia. thank you. i am a military spouse of a deployed soldier and i have moved back home to be with family during this time. even though i love my family, the resourse are not here and i almost feel like im alone because there isnt an army base in CT… so therefore there arnt many people in CT that are going through what im having to endure right now… its very hard..
LOVE this and couldn’t say it a bit better! Thank you : )
Wonderful article!! true
I just cried! This is exactly how I feel but could never express it! Thanks
I wish I had known these things before my friend (Military Wife) had committed suicide leaving behind her husband and kids.
I didn’t live close enough to help her with much of what was in your letter, but I do wish I would’ve taken more time to write/encourage her. I miss her immensely. :’( Thank you for sharing your letter so I can honor her memory by reaching out to military wives around me! Bless you!
I’m so sorry for your loss. The rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide are much higher inside our military families. Your story is surely a wakeup call for us all to be on the lookout for the signs and symptoms of someone who is struggling. I’m glad this article can move you forward in helping another wife who needs someone to reach out to her. May you feel His comfort as He bind up your wounds from the loss of your friend. God bless!
wow…I am a therapist that has worked with our military and their families on their adjustments back on a lot of levels. Hearing this hurts my heart and has moved me to start doing…just doing…rather than asking when I know that our military are away and their spouses are home. I am single and manage my homefront on my own all the time, but that just means I know how to mow a lawn without being asked, I know how to cook a freezable meal that can be eaten later when I don’t want to cook (and could probably cook and freeze enough for a family so I can share), and I know how to babysit, or even take a car in for an oil change so that the kids don’t have to go and my car could be used in exchange…even though, I am kind of famous for babies not liking me so much…LOL…toddlers and up usually don’t do poorly with me.
I will be doing more. I pray often. But I could be doing more.
Wow! As the spouse of a retired military spouse (Navy), I sure wish I could have said or even written such a insightful letter while my husband deployed. I agree with all you have said and am thankful that I serve a God, who always got us through. It seemed (at least to me) that everything that could happen wrong or bad, happened during deployments. Thank you for putting into words what many of us thought or are thinking! God bless!
This is so beautiful! I am actual in tears!! Thank you, for writing this & more importantly for your service to the military committee!! This has even touched me in a way to work on my own issues with Pride and asking for help when I’m sinking. I wish we could be friends!! Thank you so much!
My husband leaves in 10 days for a year. Even though we have been through many deployments it still is very difficult. As strong as I stay, I’m torn up on the inside right now. I’m used to being alone with three girls. There is no word to describe how much he will be missed. Be safe and I love you.
Michelle,
I hope you have a good support system in place to help you through the next year. God is so faithful and grace-giving during the difficult times like deployment. May you feel His presence each and every day. Use this time to grow closer to Him and you will be amazed at the way He changes you. God bless!
This was very inspiring and true. I am currently an active-duty Army spouse and my husband is a long way from us right now. It is hard to ask for help when you need it because you are expected sometimes to be as strong as possible so your soldier will worry about you less. Sometimes at the end of the day just a hug is nice. Prayers work wonders. If you know a military wife, let her know that her job is just as important as his and let her know she is doing a good job. This will make all the difference in her life. This was a beautiful letter.
This article is so good and soo true. My daughter is Lindsey Lenoir. She has told me about your friendship. We are walking with het through Chandler’s first deployment. What you have written is where she is and my hat goes off to the unsung heroes the families left behind who try to keep life as normal as possible.. Prayer and good friends are a must!
I have such awesome memories with Lindsey during flight school! I’m so happy to hear she has an incredible support system in you and those around her. Thank you for being there for her during the ups and downs of deployment!
DeAnna, I am also currently an active-duty Army spouse and my husband is so very far away from me too. It is so tremendously hard to ask for help because everyone around me is just going about there day to day life and here i am. Im expected to be strong, and on the outside I am showing that im strong. but alone at night i am desperatly it need of help. Im struggling and it hurts me because all i want to be is strong for my husband and im told not to show him that im weak because itll only make him weaker than he already is as being deployed.. if you have any advice id love to hear it
Wow! Cassandra,you’ve put into words basically what I’m going through! I’m an army spouse,my hubby’s away on his sixth deployment! This one has been so difficult,I don’t have many people I can go to for help,and it’s just not me to ask for it either!! The only way I’ve been making it through this one is because of The Lord!! He is who has given me the strength that I need. Praying for you that you’ll find the support you need!
Wonderfully written!! You def put in the best words possible!! Thank you!!
A P.S. I’d like to add to this letter as I was thinking about it today…
P.S. When my husband does return, don’t think life is perfect now. His sporadic trainings and unpredictable work hours can still make me feel like I’m drowning sometimes. I still need you when he is home as well…
Thanks for all the kind comments! I’m glad I was able to capture what is in the heart of so many military wives. I pray this will start some conversations among the military families and the civilians who love them about how we can serve one another…
In Him,
Catherine
Thank you! Well said!
What a beautiful article Catherine! Thank you for capturing what is in every Christian military wife’s heart.
I’m still so thankful for the Bible study you formed back in our flight school days, those friendships are still here today.
I am not a military wife. I am a widow of 10 months. I have no small children; however, do have five grandchildren. I can relate to so many of the things you shared. I honor, respect, and appreciate you, and all in your position.
Kathy
I am not a military wife either but a lot of my friends are. I am surrounded by military families. Anyway when I was in college my friend and I got together and set up a letter writing event to send letters overseas to our troops. Do you think the same concept would work for military spouses? Lettersspouses letting them know we do think about you all during this difficult time. A letter that says thanks for your sacrifices too… just curious.
Sending you much love,
Heather
Heather, that is a great idea. I’m an a spouse of a deployed soldier and would be so appreciative to know people are thinking of us to, although our husbands are dealing with more than us its be nice to know people care about our sacrifices also!
Very nicely written. My husband has deployed five times, and we have four children. Some of my biggest personal growth experiences happened during those deployments. It IS hard to ask for help…it’s hard to swallow your pride and admit you can’t do it all. At the same time, it gave me such an appreciation for single moms, widows, etc….who do this all the time with no end in sight. I’ve tried to be more aware of their needs and how I can give them a boost when they need it.
During deployments, I have to say that it was the little things that went so far to boost me up when I felt like I was being pulled under. I will never forget a neighbor down the street, who I only knew from the bus stop, brought me a card one morning. She knew my husband was deployed again, and she said, “This is from my mom’s prayer group.” She acted like it was no big deal. Inside were messages of encouragement…addressed to ME by name. She had given them my name, and they had prayed for me, and they had all signed this card. It was a HUGE deal. I will never know who those women were, and I’ve lost touch with my neighbor, but that experience will stick with me forever…and it was just a bunch of ladies who asked around to people they knew to find out who needed prayers, and got together and did it. You can do things to help, even if you don’t live in a military community. These ladies sure did! Also, I had another friend whose mom mailed my kids an Easter care package. Totally random, totally made our week! Even a small gesture can say, “I’m thinking of you…you’re not invisible.”
I especially liked the suggestion about inviting them over for dinner. The last deployment we went through we were particularly in need of friendship. We had just moved two months before he deployed and it felt like we fell off of everyone’s social radar as soon as my husband left. Not ONE family from church invited us over almost the entire time my husband was deployed…until the very end, and I found out it was because my husband emailed and asked them to, because he felt so bad that we were basically being ignored. But everyone wanted to have us over once he was home. I wanted to say, “Where were you when he was gone and we needed the fellowship? We’ll get back to you when we’ve gotten our share of family time, thanks.” ;^)
Thank you so much for putting these thoughts into beautiful words. My husband is getting ready to leave for 9 months and I have 2 little girls. This is a letter I can share with my friends, when I just don’t know how to put it right. Thank you so much for your godly encouragement and wisdom!
Our son is a U.S, Marine – soon to go into the Reserve, so, Lord willing, now he and his wife will be together without the concerns of separation.
I wonder how many other people in non-military situations could have voiced the same emotions and challenges: widows, widowers with small children, single moms, women whose husbands are constantly on the road, or those in difficult relationships. There are so many lonely, hurting people!
Thank you for being willing to so honestly and poignantly voice your thoughts. This is a challenge to all of us!
So inspiring and what an eye opener for us who desire to help but wait on the request! I would love to use this in a speech for a ladies class coming up. I would love to give each one a copy to show the many opportunities we can serve God by serving others.
Outstanding article! My late husband was retired Navy after 21 years active duty. I can really relate to everything you wrote in your article. We enjoyed 21 years of life as civilians but still had numerous short separations due to job requirements. After a very brief bout with lung cancer, God called him home in 2006. Ninety-nine percent of what you said also applies to life as a widow (and also as a widower, I’m sure).
Thank You Mrs. Fitzgerald. You took exactly what I have wanted to say for 6 years right out of my mouth. Much love to you and your family.
My daugther – inlaw sent this to me to day and it is so true we all need to know how to help our military family and friends Thanks Steph.
Thank you for putting those words so perfectly. As my husband of ten years and I are going through, yet another, deployment. I cried as I read this letter. It is everything I always want to say, but have such a hard time saying!! Thank you and God bless!
A military child raised on vietnam and the prayers I prayed for a father now passed has often left me wondering who could I help. Unfortunately the reality is since our base closed there are not many military families near me. I have so wanted to reach out to our wounded warriors and there warrior families and just be there, like I wish someone was there for me. My sister and brothers seem to take my fathers may deployments in stride but I was always deeply disturbed. I bet there are many people like me who just want to help someone who really needs it instead of helping those who just want it. If you can point me in the direction of a group (not an agency) that helps military families once their loved ones return I would greatly appreciate it. My prayers have always been with you all. Stefani K
This is a great letter. I am 30 days of a 365. This is my third deployment. I totally agree that others should listen and look for opportunities to help. I am one of those people that will volunteer information about what i’m going to do and when, so it is easy for folks to find a way to assist me if they choose to do so. My husband explained it well to a friend that ask him what they could do for me, and he said “Those that know my wife well, know that you don’t ask, you just do”. I consider myself independent; you have to be as a military wife, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t mind some help from those that want to sincerely give it to me.
I completely agree with you and feel the same! I am so self-sufficient and like to be that I have a hard time asking for help even when I feel that I need it. It’s a tough balance to find.
The third paragraph describes my military wife mentality perfectly. I don’t necessarily need people to DO things for me though. I need people to BE THERE. Perhaps it’s because my children are older… dishes get done, lawn gets mowed, trash gets to the curb.
What I do need is adult conversation to distract me from the isolation of living with pre-teens and tending to their every need. I feel like a ghost of myself when my husband is deployed. Being the sole driver to sports practices, lessons, and other assorted activities while keeping the house in order, homework monitored, and working a job myself means my friends and neighbors don’t see as much of me during those times. Remember I’m still here though. Call me and just chat (about anything other than kids and deployment). Even if I’m busier than ever, I still have quiet and lonely times which I would gladly fill with the sound of your voice. Don’t wait for me to call. I’m stressed and may not want to dump that on you. Give me a reason to talk about something else, anything else. It will lighten my load tremendously.
I would add that for those of you who are Facebook friends with a military wife… please try to temper the complaints when your husband comes home late for dinner or when he’s working out of town for a few days. I won’t begrudge your stress (as I’m sure you won’t mine) because I, of all people, understand exactly how difficult those moments are. But keep things in perspective… if you’re irritable after a few days, imagine my anxiety level after months on end without a break.
That being said, I wouldn’t trade my life as a military spouse for anything in the world. I keep pushing forward with the help of God and pretty fabulous friends.
Thank you for saying all these words that were in my heart.
“We are not that different. My husband just took a job where the uncertainty of life is simply in our faces all the time. You sometimes can pretend you are in control of your life. I know I am not. God can use that as a launching pad for an incredible faith and trust in Him.”
Agreed, 100%! God led us to each deployment and pulled us through them as well. Deployments are never fun, but they’ve offered my husband and I huge opportunities for developing closeness, romance, trust, strength, endurance, guts, and more! I will always and forever cherish the handwritten love letters that arrived full of sand and smudges, the feeling of Homecoming is one so blissfully indescribable, and for the rest of our lives we’ll just be able to build on the sturdiest foundation.
I think it is important to point out that while the day to day of a military spouse may seem markedly different than that of a civilian – life’s ups and downs, fears, worries, hardships – those are human qualities/challenges that we all must face and deal with. It’s all about how we handle the tough times, right?!?
I could go on and on… but I’ll spare the comments section of this lovely post and just toss a couple links out:
Deployment is awesome: http://happyhippierose.com/2011/03/24/deployment-is-awesome-actually-it-kinda-can-be/
Here’s our last Homecoming story: http://happyhippierose.com/2011/06/24/hes-home-our-homecoming-2011-story/ (my hubby EAS’ed a couple months ago, WOOHOO!!!)
This is beautiful! It sums up what I feel when my husband is away and what my mil-attached-missionary spouses feel here abroad. Tell me that I get help, it’s so hard to ask. Bathrooms! Hugs and Time Outs oh my! The prayers, the hugs and the supports. So beautiful.
My husband and I just celebrated our 61st wedding anniversary and are in our early 80′s. We spent our first twenty years in the Marine Corps. His last deployment was in Viet Nam for 13 months. There was not much kind sentiment toward the military or their families then,, and a change of duty station (without dependants) required that dependants were required to leave base and to depart base to fend for ourselves. So glad that today at least our young milatary wives can stay put while hubby is away. It was difficult, like being fed to the wolves.
It was hard for a military man to serve his country with pride when he felt his family was being short changed and left so alone. Praise God, and the military in power since then, for making so much change for the betterment of those today. I, too, could never have made it without my church and family, but without the support of your military, life is not the same.
My sweet, brave granddaughter and her pilot husband are facing his second deployment in October. Please keep her in your prayers. She sent me this article, beautifully written by you. I will look for the others referred to. Thank God for being God’s messenger. Marge
Marge, it is because of the service of YOU and YOUR HUSBAND that the military lifestyle has become much more accommodating to us dependents nowadays. Thank you for paving the way!
Oh Marge, your letter brought tears to my eyes. You honor us with your wisdom and because of such hard times that you and yours faced, mine own are easier. My father was a pilot in Vietnam and I am married to a fine soldier. During my first deployment I talked to my Mom about what it was like for her and she too was able to offer me some kind and important perspective. I just stumbled on this post this evening as I was re-reading a post I had written last year that someone had commented on. As it is mid September, your “grandson” will be deploying soon. I will add them and you to my prayers. Thank you for your service as a wife. Thank you to your husband for his brave and honorable service. Because of those who came before us, we have a much easier road than we would have. My back gets a little bit straighter and my heart gets a little bit stronger when I learn of those who came before. Thank you from a host of us “present day” military wives. We are honored to be counted as one of you. Beverly Eagen
Wow! That was totally right on! Thank you for writing this. I am going to share! Blessings to you Catherine.
I am a military wife and a Soldier myself, currently deployed to Afghanistan. This letter speaks wonderfully to how I felt while being in the rear while my husband was forward. I simply did not have enough time to do everything. If people offered I would say no (politely of course), because I did not have the time or energy to repay them. If people simply just did, it would have made it so much easier. I also found people just assumed I could do everything because I choose the dual military life style. Boy are they ever wrong!
Great article! My husband is a Marine and on his second deployment now. This our first one with children and it’s definitely difficult at times.
Mrs. Fairchild- my husband is deployed with Chandler. We are both from Clinton. I don’t think I have met your daughter but I might remember her from school. Did she move home? Please let her know if she needs anything to let me know.
I know how that goes. I grew up a Navy child. My dad was gone for a lot of things, even on shore duty. The one place we stayed longer than a year he had to drive a couple of hours to get to work and would come home on the weekends just to see us. Sadly when we moved down to MS where he retired him and my mom seperated. I think it was hard on her going back to having him there all the time. I never liked when he went away and was always so proud when he came back home. He has missed a lot of things with me and my siblings growing up, but now he tries to come to as much as he can even though work nights makes that hard too.
Thank you for this…I feel like I understand in a way I never could before.
As the wife of an active duty Marine, my children don’t know the difference between ‘deployment’ and ‘any other time Daddy is gone.’ It is the same to them. No matter how long he is gone, life happens. My parents raised me to be self-sufficient b/c of Faith in God, and I believe it is the best strength to have when living in this role of military spouse, but despite strength and Faith-which when we have it we are never alone-this life can be lonely. I truly appreciate your comments about not wanting to ask for help-I am ‘that’ person. I miss just having other milspouses around the neighborhood to have dinner with once a month, or chat with at the playground in the afternoon. It really is so easy to support a military spouse-listen and be a friend. This lifestyle is complicated, but ministering to us milspouses is not. I try to remember that no matter how long a spouse is away, that weekend could be the time the car breaks down, or that one night of duty could be the night her baby spikes a high fever, etc. Building relationships in this life is not as easy as Army Wives makes it seem. This letter really highlights my thoughts and needs many times. I figure if that is what I need, then chances are that is what I can give to another. Giving is where this all starts-it can be a domino effect.
Catherine,
This letter had me choked up from the begining, and when I went down to the bottom and read about you it had me even more. See I too am a 53 wife, crew chief’s. Aircrew is a completely different world that most don’t understand.
Thank you!
Emma,
If you are in NC, would love to meet you at our upcoming military family conference. Check out http://www.operationhopefront.org.
-Catherine
Thank you for a great letter. I am a civilian contractor and my wife goes through the same thing except she doesnt always have a group of supportive people like a military base to support her. I think it is vital for military wives and those who do similar work to band together and connect in order to help support each other. I know its vital for ALL the heroes to be welcomed back!
My husband is deployed again and it’s like you crawled in my head and heart and said exactly what I have always wanted to share with people. Thank you.
I loved how you said no matter the age of the kids deployment is still hard. Last year I went through one with a 14 and 10 year old. So many activities the Marine Corps put out there are for people with little ones. The deployment was very hard on both kids but my heart ached for the oldest. He is a boy and at that age needs his dad. He needs Dad there to ask questions, needs to know he isnt the man of the house and doesnt have to try to act like one, he needs to know it is OK to miss his Dad and to be sad. Deployments are hard on older kids because they can watch the news, they can read a calendar and they can see what mom is going through.
Catherine:
I am a US Marine with 17 years in. All of what you said, my wife and children have done. Honestly, the hardest part of what we go through now is that we are so used to me being “away” that we aren’t really very good at things when I am “back.” I want to be. I want to be good at being “back.” I just don’t know how to be.
-Bo
Bo,
Thank you for you and your family’s service! Being “back” can be so hard once we have gotten used to the constant seperation. As wives, it is an adjustment to go from running the show on our own to having someone to help shoulder the burden. Just as you as Marines are always “mission oriented”, so are we as wives. We sometimes need a (gentle) reminder when you are home that we no longer need to do it all ourselves.
Our family has accepted that we have no “normal.” After each deployment, things have changed and we need to make a new normal. My husband is about to return from deployment to a house with a new family member, our son. The routine that I have established is going to have to change to accomodate our family being back together. It is going to require a lot of conversations as to how we want our household to be now that he is back. We have to hit the restart and that’s ok.
Just keep trying. Be open and honest with your wife and kids about struggling to figure out how to be “good at being back.” Create your new normal. They want you and need you there more than you can ever understand. Sit down as a family and discuss what you all want your family to look like now that dad is back. Pray together. Laugh together. Just BE together. You’ll be amazed at how good you will be at being “back” when you just enjoy the moments you are given together.
I’ll be praying for you and your family!
In Him,
Catherine
Oh and if you happen to be in NC, check out this awesome conference for military families on Saturday, Sept. 8th: http://www.operationhopefront.org
Thank you for this. I feel like as an Army Wife we are always told that we need to be strong so that our spouse doesn’t have to worry about us, but there are times when everyone needs help. Not only are we without our spouse, we are often times away from our families as well. First deployment or 20th, it’s never easy and there is always something that goes wrong that would never happen otherwise. The first 2 weeks and last 2 weeks are the worst.
For those that want to do SOMETHING to support families, I have found that working with Operation Write Home helps. It allows our deployed members to write home to their loved ones on hand made greeting cards.
I served with HMH-461 from 1998-2001, wasn’t your husband one of our pilots?
This is an amazing article! It’s all very true although I find it really difficult whem your hussband, like mine, doesn’t have a Command and therefore I have no wives in the same boat as me because my husband is truly rare and we are separated from everyone. My husband is a Forensic Pathologist who handles the heartbraking aspects of war; the deaths of the honorable. As a family we find it hard to relate to any other family because they aren’t like us. My husband “deploys” several times per week with a few hours notice and we’re on our own again. Although he’s not gone for months at a time, I cannot plan when he goes, nor prepare the children. They come home from school and dad is gone again but will be back in a few days. They know that what dad does will help a family heal through answers and through closure, but I’m left waking @ midnight in a panic to take out the trash and hope I remember to turn the alarm off before opening the door half asleep with the dogs at my side.
Military life is hard but its blessed. To hold onto your man and say “You’re a great dad and husband” and not because its Father’s Day but just a normal Wednesday is the blessing. We’re called to lift them up because usually we’re of the few they let into those dark places where they’re processing what they’ve done as their “job”.
Military wives hang in there and know we are our man’s blessing and we are blessed.
This really was a reminder that for men especially, it is important to let them know how much you appreciate them, in whatever it is that they do. Men are prideful creatures and it isn’t always a bad thing. To hear from the woman that they cherish and love that they appreciate the hard work that they do is as good as a dark chocolate bar for us women. They need it Ladies, even if your not with or married to a solider. Love, honor, respect and appreciate the men that God has placed in your lives.
Oh, I am in tears now. Absolutely weeping. We are one month into a 13-month deployment. I am, by no means, a “newbie” at this. We’ve been married 20 years. This is his sixth deployment … 4th in the past 10 years. I know that other wives have had it far worse than I have. I know that. But gone is gone. My son is 14 and by far, this has been the hardest on him, as he starts his first year of high school, and Dad is not here to guide him. Those who can help me the most are those you see a need and just quietly meet it. No fanfare, just action. For me, that is what the letter is about and I loved that. Thank you.
Thanks to the spouses that keep the families going while we’re gone. I asked my wife why she wasn’t asking for help, and she pointed me to this letter. Before I did though, I had already asked for help sending a bud to hit some key things that needed attention, areas that I always deal with (I did forget vent filter though, so I’ll remember to have another hit that later), and now after working all weekend I finally got to read this letter that she noted.
When I’m asked by family on the phone, “what do you need?” … I ask them to call my wife, send the encouragement letter you had planned for me to her, and shoot, send her the chapstick and baby wipes you were going to send me, she and our baby need them more than I do. I did like getting the Oatmeal Pies from Mom though. I won’t sugar coat it, it’s not a walk in the park over here and am I’m not having fun by any means, the long days with dust in the face, and a throat that is always sore, is a pain, but I have it easy compared to my wife.
I’ve been in Afghanistan for almost four months now moving around and still have eight to go. Being a third of the way it seems like I’ve been here forever, but at the same time, like I just left my wife and baby girl just yesterday … life is on pause for me until I am with them again.
Pray for our families … and most of all, pray for the families that don’t get their deployed member back.
Sincerely,
- Jason
(And if my wife is reading this … Thank you, honey!)
My sister was in your shoes and I never knew how to help and she was far away. Thanks for telling us, civilians, what we all really want to know!
My BFF is a military wife and posted this on FB. I’m so glad she shared. She lives so far away that there isn’t much of these that I can do, but if I have the opportunity I will absolutely put your words into action. Thank you for such a beautifully written piece. God bless.
You women are incredible. I am currently with my high school sweet heart and I have been for four years. We are starting college in September this fall and I can remember when we first met and he told me that he wanted to be a U.S. Marine. It was the scariest thing I had ever been told. I was head-over-heels in love with this boy and he was staring at me telling me that he had wanted to do this his entire life. Plans changed over the years and God has lead both he and I on a different path. He is starting a church and I am supporting him and helping wherever I can. We do mission work in the US and the challenges we have been through sure have been hard but honestly I feel as if it is nothing compared to what it could have been, that is, what you women have been through and are going through. I am sorry. I am sorry that I get caught up in the little spats with my boyfriend and feel like my world is falling apart when you women have half of your world leaving for months on end. I am going to start using you women, and other like you to reach out in my ministries. My boyfriends brother is in the Air Force and his sister is married to a US Navy. One of our best friends is joining the Marines and is going to boot camp in a few months. I didn’t ever realize the work I could be doing to help the people and families closest to me. I’m marrying into a family full of women just like you and I hope and pray that God will give me a servants heart. I will be praying for you all, you women are a prime example of a servant of God by living the life you do every day. You serve your kids and have the job of loving them and showing the love that their fathers can’t always do like a hug, a kiss, a bedtime story or making a meal together. I encourage you all to make the most of these young years with your children. Fill it with memorable times and things that will help them see their father as the hero he is. I encourage you also to teach them all about Gods love for them and for their fathers and the country they live in. It is important for them to see your love for your spouse as well. I know the days are long and the nights, even longer. I pray that God will fill your emptiness with His love and that He will give your strength and patience every day dealing with the loneliness and the impatience that comes with raising kids, especially with nobody there to help you. Remember that it is always ok to cry and to feel sadness but there comes a time when you need to also be the solider at home. Your job here is just as important as the job your spouse is doing far away. God has a purpose and a plan for everyone. He lead you where He wanted and He doesn’t make mistakes. You are His work of art, you are special and beautiful and you mean the world to Him. He is watching over your spouse and your family and He will guide you and lead you in paths of righteousness. i pray that you will heed His voice. It is often a small one so you need to keep close t his word to hear it. Always turn to Him in any time of frustration or emptiness. He knows you better, loves you best, and will always be your stronghold. Make Him your every day rock and foundation and He will take care of you.
Simply beautiful! Thank you!
Hey Catherine,
What a great article! Thanks for helping us understand military wives needs a little better. Thanks also for sharing with me some of the unique issues you and your husband deal with, when he is at home and wanting to be used of the Lord. My nephew is in Afghanistan and single. I hope he will read this before he marries. Maybe it will help him and a future wife not end up as a “casualty” of war. Thanks for the sacrifice you and your husband make. Freedom is not free. Actually, it is costly to military families. God bless you and protect you as He uses you to minister to so many.